Today I’m going to introduce some new language that is going to be a big part of the vocabulary I use going forward.
Second Adolescence is exactly what is sounds like. Oxford Dictionary defines Adolescence as “the period following the onset of puberty during which a young person develops from a child into an adult.” So yes, we are stepping back to the time of our inner child, to a time before hard programming began to convince you that you are what someone else wants you to be. Here’s an example: I ended up working for years as an Operations Manager. I was conditioned to believe that since I was good at it, I must like it. But once I was no longer physically to do that work, I realized I never liked it. I didn’t despise it, but there was nothing about that work that gave me an opportunity to create. And for me, nothing killed my creativity more than the mundane work of creating documents and systems of operation. None of that work gave me anything that was ME.
Now let’s be brutally honest: for most of us, Adolescence wasn’t the best time of our lives. It was fraught with hormones and angst and disappointment. We were anxiously looking toward adulthood to break free from all the chains that held us down, such as the oppression of our parent(s). There was acne, and confusing changes to your body happening outside while inside was turmoil, dread and an ever-present desire to scream your lungs out.
Yeah, that doesn’t sound so great to me. Why the HELL would I go back?
Well, first, it wasn’t ALL doom and gloom for most people.
Second, it actually sounds pretty cool to get a do-over. I remember the envy I felt over all the things that “normal” kids got to experience. I was too busy doing chores and being punished to have many of the opportunities I wanted, including getting a better education (I was invited to an amazing program in 6th grade; my mother wouldn’t support it as the travel across town wasn’t something she was willing to do). I wasn’t included in parties and sleep overs and days at the pool with friends. I kind of think that stuff sounds fun. And if your childhood was more healthy than mine, you probably have some adolescent memories you wouldn’t mind living again.
So, I can’t tell you why you would want a do-over, but I will tell you why I have dedicated my life and work to honoring the adolescent in me that didn’t get to be a kid. Multiple abuses by multiple parties robbed me of innocence. My birther’s mood turned on a dime many times, every day. I lived in fear every day until the day I turned 18 – and I didn’t even live with her from the age of 16. And you know what? I want it back. I want the chance to live in a way that honors the fact that I am human, and that I am worthy of all my dreams and ambitions. I deserve to have the experience of innocence as I explore the world – not judging anyone or anything – just being able to exist without fear and without being beaten by the person who is supposed to love you the most. So I am going to give myself that opportunity. In my Second Adolescence, I will create, do art, wander everywhere and be curious about everything. I will explore the world around me, and I will explore through play. Because play is not just a child’s work. But if you don’t claim your right to play, you might easily become a slave to someone else’s ambitions, rather than your own.
I have done a LOT of work. And I have not done enough play. So, I choose to engage in play, and through that play, I am gaining new perspectives and learning new things. And I am having fun doing it.
Second Adolescence will look different for everyone. And it must be shaped by you. I cannot hand you a script for it; you have to create it. But I promise you, in case you have forgotten: play is FUN.
Feeling unsafe blocks fun. I spent my childhood (until a month before I turned 16 when I escaped my birther the first time and went to live with my Gram. I’m not saying I didn’t have any fun in childhood. But my fun could be interrupted by a cruel and vicious woman who couldn’t regulate her own emotions so put the weight of them on my shoulders. It’s hard to have when you are carrying that weight. That’s also why adulthood blocks fun. You are carrying the weight of your childhood, the weight of your parent(s), and then the weight of adult responsibility is added. No one can even function well under that burden, let alone have fun.
But things have changed dramatically now. I’m an empty nester, who had no idea how brutal that transition would be. I’m single, after two failed marriages, so I have no one else to look after. I work REALLY hard trying to turn my businesses into something that can actually provide for my needs. All of that adds to the burden.
When he was young, I would sometimes tease my son and on one such instance, I asked why he wanted to do [whatever it was he asked if he could do], and jested that he didn’t want to do something fun like that, and his reply struck me as being incredibly profound; I’m not sure why. He looked up at me, slightly exasperated, and said, “MOM!! Fun is not not fun.”
And he was right.
Fun is actually SO MUCH fun!!!
So, it’s time to claim my right to have fun. Remember, if you don’t stand up and claim what is yours by birthright, someone will gladly take your time, freedom, and even your identity.
Who do you choose to be at this stage of life? Who were you before life conditioned you to worry about things you can’t control, and before you were made to feel unworthy, and who is the woman that you have become today? Is your life really YOURS?
Life isn’t asking you to become someone else. It’s inviting you to become more completely yourself.
Join us unruly GenX women in our efforts to heal, to play and to remember what it is to feel fully ALIVE.